some people just don’t get it

I wanted to wait a while before writing about this, because honestly, it’s been just too painful to think about.  The girl who threw my bachelorette party decided one day, out of the blue, that she would block me on Facebook to let me know that she didn’t want to be friends anymore.  No text, no phone call, no explanation, nothing.  I texted her and asked why she blocked me (the way I found out was that I found a funny story I thought she would enjoy, and when I went to tag her in it, her name didn’t show up, so I asked my husband to look her up, to see if it was just me or if she had deleted/disabled her account.  It was just me.) and she told me that I was a negative influence in her life, and that she didn’t need it.

Wow.

Some people.

So here we go: I understand that it’s not easy being friends with someone who has major depression and anxiety disorders.  I understand that I’m not always the easiest to get along with and can be a hot-head.  But apparently this whole thing happened because I wasn’t grateful enough for the bachelorette party (that sucked), and because I didn’t go to her birthday party after my bridal shower.  I was having dinner with my mother whom I see once a year, and my maid of honor, who is also my sister-in-law whom I hadn’t seen since Christmas of 2012.  I’m sorry I missed your last birthday in San Diego.  I’m sorry my sister-in-law set our bridal shower for the same day you were having your party because it was the only break she had between her business trip to Dallas and flying back home.  This girl sees her family… I’ve got to say at least monthly, because they always seem to be down here (hell, they were apparently the reason she had to leave my bachelorette party early, because they just drove to her house, assuming she had no plans, and called her when they couldn’t get in).

I didn’t even know she even cared that much, because she never bothered to call or text to find out when/if I was still coming.  The way she puts it, she was pining at the door all night like a dog left home alone, and I know that’s not what she did.  That’s not her.

I’m pretty sure she was looking for excuses to dump me as a friend, which is pretty stupid, if you ask me.  If you don’t want to hang out with someone, don’t!  You don’t have to be all dramatic about it and drag it out!  You don’t agree to be a bridesmaid, attend their wedding, and then a month later tell them to fuck off!  I can’t even look at my wedding photos or watch my video because she’s in everything.  I can’t even put together an album, or submit my wedding to blogs, or enjoy any of that post-wedding warm fuzzy feeling because I’m so pissed that she’s this selfish and immature.

And she is.  I may come off as selfish, but it’s mostly because I have strong opinions and can just be arrogant sometimes, but I’m anything but selfish.  The night I missed her party, I was going to lose either way.  I was either going to feel like crap because I was missing her party, or feel like crap because my sister-in-law was here and I wasn’t spending time with her that I should because I never see her.  So I made a choice, and I chose family, and apparently that was the wrong choice, in her eyes.  So fuck it.  I have no interest in having to coddle and baby some chick who can’t get her own shit together, and who I’m pretty certain harbors a lot of jealousy toward me (at least according to several friends and family members, who offer up some good points).  Don’t be jealous of other people and what they have and where they are in life.  Treat them as mentors, make your own damn goals, and do whatever the hell you want.  I’m sorry that I got married before you.  I’m sorry that I was able to pay for a gorgeous wedding and a brand new car within a month of each other.  I’m sorry that I’m getting my Master’s degree and you’re not.  I’m sorry that you don’t have the things that you want, and I apparently do, and somehow that makes your hurt feelings my fault.  I’m sorry!

What’s that phrase, when God closes a door, he opens a window?  Well, I’m flopping my way through the open window (I can’t do it gracefully, you know, I’m fat and broken), and I’m working on spending time with the people who are still here, and make me happy to be around, and who I absolutely adore.  Ironically, the first three who come to mind were all in our wedding as well, ha!  So at least we made a few good choices, right??

Good luck, J.  I’ve heard you’re moving back home to take advantage of a job offer.  I hope you find what you’re looking for and that you’re happy with your choices.

wedding planning as coping mechanism

So my wedding is almost here (8 days!) and I’ve been throwing myself into all the little details of the whole event, not just because I’m neurotic to the point that it makes me seem organized, but because it’s helping me escape the crap that goes along with it.

My bachelorette party was kind of a flop. Nine girls said they would celebrate with me, one was too sick to show, and never bothered to tell us, another was too ill to continue after dinner, (she had strep, I get it, go home and rest!) another had to work the next day because her command is going through hell right now, and another left early because her son’s birthday/college acceptance party was the next day. These are all understandable things, I know. However, when combined with the fact that three other girls left in the middle of it to go do something with someone else, then came back and said they had to leave, leaving three of us alone, sober, and calling for a ride home before the night could possibly get any worse… I got my feelings seriously hurt.

It’s also apparently my fault that they left because the girl throwing it said she was getting anxious because I didn’t appear to be having a good time. Uh, I was bummed that people kept leaving! Just because they had totally valid reasons for leaving doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck that they had to go! How is this my fault?? Apparently I’m “hard to please” and “not easy to be friends with.” Fine. If that’s how you see me, then why bother? If I’m so high-maintenance and such a chore to be friends with, maybe we should just let the whole thing go!

Then, I call my future mother-in-law to get photos for a memorial we’re doing, and she tells me that I have to respond to a confirmation email from her husband (my Romeo’s step-father) from a computer, because if he sends them to my phone, the large files will break it. What?? So I try to explain to both of them that web-hosted email is the same whether it’s my phone or my desktop, and the guy says they will not be sending the photos, and FMIL tells Romeo that I called her ignorant. Seriously??

Then, I ask one of my bridesmaids if I can store my dress at her place until the wedding, tell her I’m picking it up today, and she says “cool.” Then she says she can’t come to the fitting because she has plans. Um. How am I supposed to get the dress into your house, then?? Luckily, another friend has said she wants to go, and will store it for me at her place.

Not to mention that of the 110 people I invited, only 50 are coming, and over half of the people who aren’t didn’t even bother to reply. Some of those who did were two weeks past the RSVP date. That’s ridiculous. That is so rude.

So I’m throwing myself into seating charts, escort cards, timelines, and sign-making to get my mind off of it. Most of the time it works, but sometimes, like right now, I sit and think: “what did I do to deserve this?” “Do I actually deserve this?” “Am I being too sensitive, or demanding?” I have no answers for these, I really don’t. I just know that it sucks, and I really, really hope that I won’t feel this way next Saturday. I don’t want to cry my makeup off…

i can’t deal anymore

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Yup. Six. That’s not even the worst part.

The shower was thrown by my Maid of Honor, who lives across the country, and she flew from Dallas to be there before flying home to her husband she almost never sees because she’s always traveling for work. Did I mention she rented out a rooftop venue and had it catered with a custom menu for us? Yeah. She did. Six people. Fuck my life.

I feel like the lame fat kid waiting for kids to show up to his birthday party and then spending it alone. Really? Our bridal shower? I understand maybe ditching a Cards Against Humanity night, or even a birthday thing, but our BRIDAL SHOWER? We only get one of those! Ever! I’m no-shit seriously considering canceling the wedding. Why throw a party costing tens of thousands of dollars so that people can be dicks and not show? We invited 110 people, the RSVP date is July 1, and we have 34 attendees. That’s pathetic. Pathetic.

I want to die. I’ve never considered suicide so seriously before now. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because it would devastate my fiancé to have to put our dogs up for rescue, because he wouldn’t be able to care for them by himself, he works too much.

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Too dramatic, you say? What’s the big deal? It’s one party, everything will be fine? No. No it won’t. Because this has become the norm. This is what happens, and I know it’s because of me, because everyone loves my fiancé and they would never treat him like this. I’m a burden to the people in my life alive, and I’m a burden to my fiancé dead. Do you have any idea how that feels? Put aside whether or not you think it’s true, and imagine that you felt that way. Whether or not it’s true, rational, or ridiculous, that is exactly how I feel right now. I’ve been trying to sleep for four hours and can’t because I can’t stop thinking about how miserable I am and wondering if I would regret taking all of my sleeping pills at once with a bottle of vodka.

I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. It’s not worth it. I don’t know why I think it’s worth it to keep trying. Even our officiant (a mutual friend) called and said he may not make it to the wedding. That’s how little people give a shit about me. I’m not asking for all of their attention, I haven’t deluded myself into believing that people are always going to be available whenever we have a party, but these invitations went out in April. APRIL! It’s not like they didn’t have time to plan! And even worse, I feel guilty for missing my friend’s birthday party tonight because I wanted to have dinner with my mother whom I see once a year and my sister-in-law whom I haven’t seen since 2012.

This sucks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do. I think I’ll take a Neurontin and hope I pass out…

city lights and starry nights…

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh! It’s less than 13 months till my love and I tie the knot! The time has come to actually start nailing down ideas and get a clear picture of what we want to do.

After all that hoopla about trying to have a color scheme that matches the venue, I have decided that its worth more to me to have my boy happy, and to do the wedding in shades of deep blue (he doesn’t do that pastel crap). I’m keeping my über-romantic red roses, however…

Now that we have a color, I still kind of wanted a theme to match, and I’ve started thinking that dark, deep blues always remind me of the ocean on deployment. That shade of cerulean that only those that have been hundreds of miles from land know, and the inky blue-black of the sky on a clear night with no moon; guys, you wouldn’t believe how many stars there really are.

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But I’ve also always had a love affair of artificial lights, city lights, to be specific. My mother told me of the first time we went into the city at night, and I said it was Christmas and could not be told otherwise. I still love the city lights, it’s one of the reasons I love San Diego so much. When I was stationed at the ASW base in Point Loma (now called NMAWC) I would sit out on the breakwater and watch Downtown light up the night. The planes fly into San Diego International Airport once every 90 seconds, and they come in right over the city. It’s a beautiful sight. I could watch the city lights for hours – and have!

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My love doesn’t get it.

I mean, he gets that I love the lights, but I think he finds it childish and didn’t seem particularly into it when I brought him to the breakwater where I used to sit. He’s more into the stars, he says he misses that about Texas, the fact that his parents’ house is removed from the city enough that you can see almost all the stars. He loved to stand on the 03 level and look at the stars on a clear night, or even marvel at how bright a full moon really is when there are no other lights to dwarf it. On clear nights, with a full moon, you could see everything, no problem. You could see people’s faces clearly, and you would never trip over a knife-edge or a butt-can. That’s how bright the moon really is.

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It was these things, the moon, the stars, the lights of cities in the distance as we glided by on glassy waters, that made deployment bearable. The deep, bright blue of the ocean, the flying fish, the dolphins and whales, the warm humidity of the air when we got near Thailand. The ship would be charged with excitement, Thailand was our favorite port, just about everyone agreed. The lights of the city, Bangla Road, it was all alive and going, going, going until morning. Then there were the beaches, crowded by day, usually quieter at night, but the sunsets and the light from the moon made it almost seem like it wasn’t real.

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Thailand isn’t perfect, we got offered drugs many times, and were a little scared when we made a wrong turn down a dark road with dozens of beggars (and they aren’t shy about grabbing on you to beg), but it was where he and I decided that maybe we should give it a shot. I don’t think either of us thought it would get this far, we were 23 and 22, we had all the time in the world to find “The One,” but we turned out to be just what the other needed. Or at least, he’s just what I needed, and for some reason he sticks around, though I have no idea why.

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That’s why I want to do a starry night, city lights theme for this wedding, it’s why we’re hoping and praying that we can get back to Thailand for our honeymoon for a couple of weeks, even if it’s the last time we get to be there together. I just have to figure out exactly how I’m supposed to pull this off…

color catastrophe (maybe)…

Crap.

I’ve got this awesome dilemma going, and it’s really not fun.  The time to start planning the wedding is close at hand, and I kind of wish that we hadn’t already booked a venue :/

See, the issue is that we were mainly concerned with finding a venue that didn’t suck and that we could afford.  We found that, which is awesome, but it kind of comes with it’s own color palette.  Originally, we were going to do green and orange pastels, but as the venue is mostly shades of red, black, and cream, I thought it would be better to take the color cues from the existing décor so our colors wouldn’t clash.

The problem is that the boy likes blue and green, not red.  He was okay with our wedding being red and cream colors, but then yesterday I got a new phone, and thus a new phone cover, which is a shiny emerald green, and he can’t stop looking at it!  I know it’s just a phone case, but he’s obsessed with the color, and it makes me feel really guilty that this wedding of ours, something that’s supposed to be about both of us, doesn’t represent his favorite colors.  I don’t really have a favorite color, it totally depends on my mood at the time, so I really don’t have an allegiance.  My other half, however, is pretty committed to liking all things green and/or blue.

So I tried to suggest that we do a kind of sea glass themed wedding, which is fitting, as he’s a sailor, and I feel as though I should have been born a fish (I love the water).  The reception space is pretty blank at our venue, but the rest of the place has a very definite color scheme, and I really wanted to use it in photos!  Since it’s downtown, we’re not going to have a ton of attractive options for photo backgrounds, so I wanted to take advantage of the lobby and the bar area to get some good pictures, but if we were in pastel greens and blues…

Except that none of it matters, because either my fiancé’s love of green and blue doesn’t extend to the pastel hues, or he just has no eye for color and can’t envision it (personally, I think it’s the latter).  So he doesn’t want to do sea glass colors!  I was trying to figure out how to incorporate green into the palette a little bit without everything looking like Christmas, but so far, I haven’t been able to, since he likes the bright, saturated jewel tones.  As picky as he is, I still want to make sure I can incorporate his favorite colors, but I really just can’t see how it can be done at this venue, and I think it would probably look stupid if I just gave in and told him he could be special and wear a green tie or something.  I know he wouldn’t care, but there’s a process, there’s supposed to be a theme, things have to match, and with all of my idiosyncrasies and peccadilloes, I would go insane if everything else followed a common theme, and then there he was, clashing with everything and looking like a fool :/

He says he “doesn’t mind,” but I know that that’s guy speak for “I’m not going to hassle you about it because you’ll totally lose it.”  I know my sister-in-law would tell me not to stress, but I don’t like not having everything figured out right now, I don’t work that way.  I need to know what I’m going to do, I need to have a plan, and if that changes, fine, but I don’t like just having no clue what I’m doing and not even worrying about it, that’s just not me.  I had this whole vision of what we were going to do when our colors were green and orange, and then had to start from scratch when we switched to red and cream, and I can’t bear the thought of tossing all those ideas and starting from scratch again.  I mean, I just finished my inspiration board!  I have this whole cohesive idea for how it’s going to go, and if I lose that, I will start stressing, and I will lose it!

Oh well, I just won’t bring it up again and keep going the way I’m going, maybe he’ll be content with the gigantic green and blue koi I’m putting on my arm on Thursday, he can just look at that all day 🙂

i don’t know if i can do this…

I don’t want to go wedding dress shopping.

Today’s the first day I’ve really thought about what’s coming, I’ve looked at dresses and have my favorites that I want to try, but… I wear a size 16-18 pant right now, I don’t think I’m going to be able to try anything on…

It’s bad enough that my body type prohibits me from being anything smaller than an 8, and that was only after eight weeks of bootcamp when I was PTing all day and eating practically nothing. I was a size 10 when I was on VBSS, but again, I was working out at least twice a day, eating out of the salad bar, and was doing a lot of physical work on the ship. A size 12 is my usual size, and even that is apparently considered “plus size” 😦

So what the hell am I supposed to do?? Everything I’m reading online says to go to Alfred Angelo or David’s Bridal, but the reviews for Alfred Angelo are pretty bad, and David’s Bridal is… not where I want to go. I’m not going to fit into dresses at the other places, but I’m terrified about how I’m going to feel having to try on plus sized gowns, and I’m also worried about what my mom will think. I know she loves me, but I’ve always struggled with my weight and I know it worries her. I know we would both feel better if I could be put in a sample size and look tiny like all the other girls.

I am trying, I haven’t eaten meat in months, I’ve been trying to eat more whole foods, (shopping around the edges of the supermarket, trust me, it works!) and I’ve started a walking program. I’ve got this app called RunKeeper, and it’s really helped me to stay motivated, since it keeps track of my time, distance, pace, and overall distances and times. It also scares the crap out of me, because every five minutes it gives me updates while I’m walking, and I’m still getting used to it. Unfortunately, it’s a lot more fun to gain the weight than lose it, though when I’m actually in shape, I love working out. When I’m trim and fit, I love being able to use my body and see what it can do, how long I can go, how much I can lift… but now, I’ve got knees with no cartilage, and a back with bulging disks, so I’ve got to change my approach, limit the amount of impact I’m putting on my joints, and take it all slow.

Slow is not my forte. Nor is it something that I, well, have time for!

I’ve got six weeks to get myself into a size that I could at least squeeze my butt into a sample size, even if I can’t zip it up. I think the very best I’ll be able to do is lose one size, and that’s not going to be enough. Luckily, I have more time to lose weight until the wedding, since it’s not till next summer, but I can’t wait that long to try on dresses. We were going to do this next April, but that would give us less than four months for the dress to be ready, and that’s impossible, unless I get one off the rack.

I’m thinking that maybe… maybe I just need to wait. Maybe I need to hold off on trying on dresses until this winter, to give myself more time. The only problem is that then I won’t be able to try them on with my mother, and I really wanted that…

Now I’m wondering if maybe I should go up to Rhode Island this winter, there’s a few places that carry the designer I like, my Mum could feasibly drive down for a couple of days, I could stay with my brother and his wife, who is also my Matron of Honor, and I would finally get to see their house! Hmmmmm… Now I’m thinking… I could just go, stay a few nights, and leave on day four. The boy could stay home and take care of the puppies, and I might be able to get a dress…

But then there’s the cost, and the flying, and I’m starting to stress, this sucks :/

summer plan

So, I’m really starting to figure out what I want to do this summer, so far, here’s my list:

1. Read books that aren’t for school.
2. Get canning some delicious food.
3. Implement physical therapy/walking/toning programs.
4. Actually take care of the garden and don’t let it get eaten by weeds.
5. MAYBE get a puppy.

I’m still debating the last one, puppies are hard, and they’re even harder when you have an evil bitch dog who hates everything…

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I do have a reading list though, so in case you’re interested, here they are, in no particular order:

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I’m pretty sure I can get through them all this summer, the only issue is that I also have rediscovered the Harry Potter books and am currently on Book 4, so I need to hurry up and finish so I can get to my real reading list. I haven’t read anything for pleasure in almost a year, and it’s been killing me. I also think it’s affected my comprehension and writing skills, but I don’t want to get into that, because it will most likely make me sad.

What I’m really excited for though, is canning! A few months ago I made some apple butter and canned it, and it was delicious! So I picked up some more canning tools (I totally improvised the first time) and this week I’ll be making my own strawberry preserves (YUM!), and when my mother visits in June, she’s going to teach me how to make homemade tomato sauce – like, from actual tomatoes – and I’ll teach her how to can it when we’re done! (She says she doesn’t need any, but I’m going to send some back with her anyways, if only for the sentimental factor).

My mother has decided that she will venture out here to San Diego from Maine once a year to see her baby girl, and I’m totally not complaining. I’m sick of traveling! I traveled enough in the Navy, and honestly, it just stresses me the hell out, especially now with the dogs. My love and I have decided that its just not worth it, and are boycotting trips that require dog-sitting. So it’s actually a relief to host my mother for a week every summer. Plus, she likes to cook for us and take us out to eat, so that’s awesome. This year she has made specific requests for where/what she wants to eat. She wants to go out for teppanyaki, Mexican, and Thai; we’re going to do the sauce one day; and she wants to do a run-through of her ideas for the rehearsal dinner.

We decided not too long ago that it would be more of my fiancé’s style to do a really casual rehearsal dinner, and since we need to make sure the dogs aren’t left in their crates for hours and hours, we thought it would be cool if everyone came back to our house and had a little pre-wedding party with some of Dave’s favorite foods, since he’s such a huge fan of my mother’s cooking. We also stole his brother’s thunder: he’ll be turning 30 the day we get married, so we thought we’d have a cake and do a little something for him the night before.

So my mom wants to try out some stuff on her future son-in-law and see what he wants her to make, though if truth be told, I’m pretty sure she could make anything and he’d eat it. I can’t get him to eat soup, but he had two bowls of my mom’s French onion at Christmas! I’m really not jealous, I think it’s awesome, it’s wonderful that they get along so well, it makes me really happy 🙂

There are a couple of problems with this visit though. Mother wants to go to the beach, and I have some issues with that; one, I’m totally out of shape (see #3, above); two, I’m totally pale (like, freakishly pale, my classmates in OPS used to make fun of me because my skin is practically see-through); and three, I have this skin thing on my legs that makes them itch, and so I scratch the hell out of them while I’m sleeping, and now my legs are covered in scars and scratches 😦 I would love to go to the beach, but I really just have no business being there, people would laugh and stare. I guess I’ll send my boy with her to keep her company, while I stay home, because there’s just no way in hell. The other problem is that I really wanted to be able to try on wedding dresses with her, but she wouldn’t be able to get back out here until three months before the wedding, so we have to go during this visit. I don’t even think I could try on sample sizes right now, so I have no idea how this is going to go. I just hope I don’t cry. Maybe I can get my bridesmaids to come, they are both amazing girls who I know wouldn’t let me feel ugly or fat, which is one if the reasons I asked them to stand with me on my wedding day. Still, I’m not looking forward to it like I should be…

So in order to prepare as much as possible for this, I’ve started physical therapy to get my back and leg strength up, and I’ve started a walking program to help me start to drop the weight (I want to lose 60 pounds and go down three to four sizes, as well as run a 5k, those are my goals). I’m hoping that I might be able to lose at least 15-20 pounds before she gets here, but we’ll see. I’m also implementing an arm routine, mostly so I look toned in my dress, but also because I dreamed of this tattoo that I simply must get, if you’re interested, read about it here.

I also plan on not letting my garden die this year, but I’ve got a pretty black thumb (except when it comes to basil and impatiens), so we’ll see if they survive.

What about you? Any plans for the summer? I know not everyone can take the summer off, but there’s got to be something fun on everyone’s calendar!