i can’t deal anymore

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Yup. Six. That’s not even the worst part.

The shower was thrown by my Maid of Honor, who lives across the country, and she flew from Dallas to be there before flying home to her husband she almost never sees because she’s always traveling for work. Did I mention she rented out a rooftop venue and had it catered with a custom menu for us? Yeah. She did. Six people. Fuck my life.

I feel like the lame fat kid waiting for kids to show up to his birthday party and then spending it alone. Really? Our bridal shower? I understand maybe ditching a Cards Against Humanity night, or even a birthday thing, but our BRIDAL SHOWER? We only get one of those! Ever! I’m no-shit seriously considering canceling the wedding. Why throw a party costing tens of thousands of dollars so that people can be dicks and not show? We invited 110 people, the RSVP date is July 1, and we have 34 attendees. That’s pathetic. Pathetic.

I want to die. I’ve never considered suicide so seriously before now. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because it would devastate my fiancé to have to put our dogs up for rescue, because he wouldn’t be able to care for them by himself, he works too much.

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Too dramatic, you say? What’s the big deal? It’s one party, everything will be fine? No. No it won’t. Because this has become the norm. This is what happens, and I know it’s because of me, because everyone loves my fiancé and they would never treat him like this. I’m a burden to the people in my life alive, and I’m a burden to my fiancé dead. Do you have any idea how that feels? Put aside whether or not you think it’s true, and imagine that you felt that way. Whether or not it’s true, rational, or ridiculous, that is exactly how I feel right now. I’ve been trying to sleep for four hours and can’t because I can’t stop thinking about how miserable I am and wondering if I would regret taking all of my sleeping pills at once with a bottle of vodka.

I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. It’s not worth it. I don’t know why I think it’s worth it to keep trying. Even our officiant (a mutual friend) called and said he may not make it to the wedding. That’s how little people give a shit about me. I’m not asking for all of their attention, I haven’t deluded myself into believing that people are always going to be available whenever we have a party, but these invitations went out in April. APRIL! It’s not like they didn’t have time to plan! And even worse, I feel guilty for missing my friend’s birthday party tonight because I wanted to have dinner with my mother whom I see once a year and my sister-in-law whom I haven’t seen since 2012.

This sucks. I don’t even know what I’m going to do. I think I’ll take a Neurontin and hope I pass out…

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3 thoughts on “i can’t deal anymore

  1. LimitlessOcean23 says:

    From a fellow navy man, don’t sweat these things. Do what makes you happy and leave the rest to fate. If those people don’t care enough to come to your shower or wedding, you didn’t need them in your life to begin with. Chin up, eyes open, look ahead. Life sucks sometimes, as we all know, but how you bounce back is what makes you the person you are.

  2. Hols says:

    Hey there, I just happened across your blog and saw this post. I don’t know you yet but I know that I care. 🙂 I think you seem like a really cool, sweet gal. 🙂 I would go to your wedding if I could!! Heh. Hey, perhaps you can go on Twitter and talk about it. Maybe you could get some people to attend your wedding. :D.. You know, you could always look at it like an intimate affair instead; just an event between you, your love, and your closest people (and could save $$ on catering too! :-P) Don’t let them get to you. It is supposed to be fun, joyous, thrilling for you and your husband. Stick close to him, hold him, and express your concerns.
    Cheer up dear,
    Hols

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