i don’t know if i can do this…

I don’t want to go wedding dress shopping.

Today’s the first day I’ve really thought about what’s coming, I’ve looked at dresses and have my favorites that I want to try, but… I wear a size 16-18 pant right now, I don’t think I’m going to be able to try anything on…

It’s bad enough that my body type prohibits me from being anything smaller than an 8, and that was only after eight weeks of bootcamp when I was PTing all day and eating practically nothing. I was a size 10 when I was on VBSS, but again, I was working out at least twice a day, eating out of the salad bar, and was doing a lot of physical work on the ship. A size 12 is my usual size, and even that is apparently considered “plus size” 😦

So what the hell am I supposed to do?? Everything I’m reading online says to go to Alfred Angelo or David’s Bridal, but the reviews for Alfred Angelo are pretty bad, and David’s Bridal is… not where I want to go. I’m not going to fit into dresses at the other places, but I’m terrified about how I’m going to feel having to try on plus sized gowns, and I’m also worried about what my mom will think. I know she loves me, but I’ve always struggled with my weight and I know it worries her. I know we would both feel better if I could be put in a sample size and look tiny like all the other girls.

I am trying, I haven’t eaten meat in months, I’ve been trying to eat more whole foods, (shopping around the edges of the supermarket, trust me, it works!) and I’ve started a walking program. I’ve got this app called RunKeeper, and it’s really helped me to stay motivated, since it keeps track of my time, distance, pace, and overall distances and times. It also scares the crap out of me, because every five minutes it gives me updates while I’m walking, and I’m still getting used to it. Unfortunately, it’s a lot more fun to gain the weight than lose it, though when I’m actually in shape, I love working out. When I’m trim and fit, I love being able to use my body and see what it can do, how long I can go, how much I can lift… but now, I’ve got knees with no cartilage, and a back with bulging disks, so I’ve got to change my approach, limit the amount of impact I’m putting on my joints, and take it all slow.

Slow is not my forte. Nor is it something that I, well, have time for!

I’ve got six weeks to get myself into a size that I could at least squeeze my butt into a sample size, even if I can’t zip it up. I think the very best I’ll be able to do is lose one size, and that’s not going to be enough. Luckily, I have more time to lose weight until the wedding, since it’s not till next summer, but I can’t wait that long to try on dresses. We were going to do this next April, but that would give us less than four months for the dress to be ready, and that’s impossible, unless I get one off the rack.

I’m thinking that maybe… maybe I just need to wait. Maybe I need to hold off on trying on dresses until this winter, to give myself more time. The only problem is that then I won’t be able to try them on with my mother, and I really wanted that…

Now I’m wondering if maybe I should go up to Rhode Island this winter, there’s a few places that carry the designer I like, my Mum could feasibly drive down for a couple of days, I could stay with my brother and his wife, who is also my Matron of Honor, and I would finally get to see their house! Hmmmmm… Now I’m thinking… I could just go, stay a few nights, and leave on day four. The boy could stay home and take care of the puppies, and I might be able to get a dress…

But then there’s the cost, and the flying, and I’m starting to stress, this sucks :/

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