why can’t i get motivated??

This sucks.

I’ve got to try on dresses in less than two months, and I cannot seem to be able to eat healthy, even as a pescatarian! I keep wanting bread, bread is like a drug to me, it’s like a warm blanket that I can snuggle into. How the hell do I get rid of this emotional attachment to food??

and don’t get me started on exercise…

My goal was 20 minutes, three times a week on the stationary bike, (which I paid over $250 for, btw…) and I couldn’t stick to it! I just couldn’t get up the motivation to even put on PT gear :/ so then I was like “well, what if I just walked around the neighborhood for a while?” Great, in theory, plenty of hills to switch it up, the weather’s been good, but lets face it, I live in the ghetto. Everyone seems to be on drugs or selling them, and every other house has a frustrated pit bull that lunges at the fence when I walk by. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not the dogs’ fault, but it’s the breed of choice out here and when you treat any dog like a lawn ornament, they’re going to get aggressive.

So I don’t really feel safe walking around my neighborhood, and that’s a shitty feeling, but it’s no excuse not to do something. There’s a YMCA a couple of miles away, but it is also kind of ghetto-looking, and I’m in no shape to be in public in a swimsuit. Which reminds me…

My mum wants to go to the damn beach while she’s here! 8[ 1. I’m way too out of shape for that, 2. I’m way too pale for that, and 3. I still have this stupid itchy-leg-thing going on, so my legs are all scabby and gross. 😥

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to get my ass in gear. When I joined the Navy, I was overweight, but I lost it quick in bootcamp, and after I was in shape, it was easy to go out and play sports, go swimming, lift at the gym, because I wasn’t embarrassed. I wasn’t working out because I had to get in shape, I was working out because I was in shape and it felt good to use my body. Now I’m just angry that I let myself get this way again, and I don’t have the patience to do this. I wish I was in good enough physical shape to go through bootcamp again, but my back and knees are just atrocious. Basically, any workout that’s easy on my back hurts my knees and vice-versa. Except swimming, but we’ve already covered that…

So what do I do? How do I get motivated? I certainly want to lose the weight, but I feel more of a hopeless despair than any type of constructive emotion. I just want to hide from it. How am I supposed to get around that? Logically, I know I need to just work at it, a little bit every day, and eventually I’ll see results. But I don’t have the patience for that! I don’t do long-term, that’s why I dropped out of college and joined the Navy in the first place, I felt like my goal was too far away. Don’t ask me how I’ve been able to do school this time around, because I’ve no idea, maybe it’s because my classes are only eight weeks long, so by the time I’m starting to get bored, it’s over and I’m taking something new. It’s like college for people with ADD…

I guess I’ll just keep trying, stick to my guns, I’ve been thinking about taping some pictures of myself when I was thin on the fridge, so I’ll see them when I go to get a snack and it’ll make me think twice about whether or not I REALLY need to eat. *sigh* this sucks…


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