i don’t wanna sell my jeep!

I love this thing...

I love this thing…

 

I have this predicament that is twofold:

1. My Mum is coming to visit this summer, and the boy and I only have two-door cars, which makes going anywhere a huge pain in the butt.

2. We’ve been talking babies, and I need a car that a car seat will fit in, and that is safe.

😦

It makes the most sense that I buy a new car, since someone refuses to drive anything but a sports car, and as I’ll be the one with the baby most of the time.  A friend of ours did bring up a good point, however: why is he driving a car that I can barely get in and out of, it’s so low??  I brought this up to him and he said he kind of felt like a jerk, but not enough to get a higher car.  Seriously??

So now I’m faced with selling my beloved Wrangler, and just the thought of it makes me want to cry.  I love this car, it’s fun, it’s cool, and it is just so me!  Were I to go with my head, I would get a Toyota Rav4 and be done with it, but my heart keeps saying “get a Wrangler Unlimited, then you can have your Jeep and a back seat!” :/

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I mean, it’s not a bad-looking car or anything, but it doesn’t really scream “fun and alternative,” and I’m trying to be as fun and alternative as I can be before I start getting told that I’m too old for that kind of stuff.  I just had an appointment to get my whole outer upper arm tattooed, for crying out loud!

But the Rav4 is the safest midsize SUV, tied with the Subaru Forester, and it just makes sense to get one for baby purposes.  That, and the Entune navigation system is pretty much everything I’d ever want with an in-dash system, it comes with Pandora!  The MyGig system in the Jeeps (if they even put them in as part of a package anymore, I wasn’t seeing it on the Jeep site just now…) is just kind of “meh”…

I was thinking about just putting my Jeep up on Craigslist for like $20,000, a few more grand than it’s worth, and then see what kind of offers I get on it, but then what if someone says “here’s $20k, I’m taking your car”?  Then I’d be stuck with no car, and this dilemma as to what car I should get next!

This sucks! 😦

I thought that maybe I’d just hold off for a couple more years, get through this summer, and maybe the next, then after the wedding, I can see if my ovaries are screaming for a Rav4 or if my heart is screaming for another Jeep.  With my luck, it’ll be both and I’ll explode.  But then I remembered that my Mum’s coming and how much of a pain in the butt it was to get the three of us anywhere last year.  Plus, I just got pre-approved through Navy Federal for a 1.49% car loan.  That is an awesome rate, and if I put the $20k from the Jeep towards a new Rav4 or another Jeep, I’d have less than $10k to finance…

So what do you all think I should do?  Do I hang on to the Wrangler I’ve got until I can put it off no more and get a “sensible” (bleah!) car?  Or do I trade it in for a 4-door Jeep that isn’t exactly the safest vehicle, but it’ll take a car seat?  Or, do I decide that now’s the time to grow up and get the Rav4, taking advantage of that awesome rate?

i don’t know if i can do this…

I don’t want to go wedding dress shopping.

Today’s the first day I’ve really thought about what’s coming, I’ve looked at dresses and have my favorites that I want to try, but… I wear a size 16-18 pant right now, I don’t think I’m going to be able to try anything on…

It’s bad enough that my body type prohibits me from being anything smaller than an 8, and that was only after eight weeks of bootcamp when I was PTing all day and eating practically nothing. I was a size 10 when I was on VBSS, but again, I was working out at least twice a day, eating out of the salad bar, and was doing a lot of physical work on the ship. A size 12 is my usual size, and even that is apparently considered “plus size” 😦

So what the hell am I supposed to do?? Everything I’m reading online says to go to Alfred Angelo or David’s Bridal, but the reviews for Alfred Angelo are pretty bad, and David’s Bridal is… not where I want to go. I’m not going to fit into dresses at the other places, but I’m terrified about how I’m going to feel having to try on plus sized gowns, and I’m also worried about what my mom will think. I know she loves me, but I’ve always struggled with my weight and I know it worries her. I know we would both feel better if I could be put in a sample size and look tiny like all the other girls.

I am trying, I haven’t eaten meat in months, I’ve been trying to eat more whole foods, (shopping around the edges of the supermarket, trust me, it works!) and I’ve started a walking program. I’ve got this app called RunKeeper, and it’s really helped me to stay motivated, since it keeps track of my time, distance, pace, and overall distances and times. It also scares the crap out of me, because every five minutes it gives me updates while I’m walking, and I’m still getting used to it. Unfortunately, it’s a lot more fun to gain the weight than lose it, though when I’m actually in shape, I love working out. When I’m trim and fit, I love being able to use my body and see what it can do, how long I can go, how much I can lift… but now, I’ve got knees with no cartilage, and a back with bulging disks, so I’ve got to change my approach, limit the amount of impact I’m putting on my joints, and take it all slow.

Slow is not my forte. Nor is it something that I, well, have time for!

I’ve got six weeks to get myself into a size that I could at least squeeze my butt into a sample size, even if I can’t zip it up. I think the very best I’ll be able to do is lose one size, and that’s not going to be enough. Luckily, I have more time to lose weight until the wedding, since it’s not till next summer, but I can’t wait that long to try on dresses. We were going to do this next April, but that would give us less than four months for the dress to be ready, and that’s impossible, unless I get one off the rack.

I’m thinking that maybe… maybe I just need to wait. Maybe I need to hold off on trying on dresses until this winter, to give myself more time. The only problem is that then I won’t be able to try them on with my mother, and I really wanted that…

Now I’m wondering if maybe I should go up to Rhode Island this winter, there’s a few places that carry the designer I like, my Mum could feasibly drive down for a couple of days, I could stay with my brother and his wife, who is also my Matron of Honor, and I would finally get to see their house! Hmmmmm… Now I’m thinking… I could just go, stay a few nights, and leave on day four. The boy could stay home and take care of the puppies, and I might be able to get a dress…

But then there’s the cost, and the flying, and I’m starting to stress, this sucks :/

summer plan

So, I’m really starting to figure out what I want to do this summer, so far, here’s my list:

1. Read books that aren’t for school.
2. Get canning some delicious food.
3. Implement physical therapy/walking/toning programs.
4. Actually take care of the garden and don’t let it get eaten by weeds.
5. MAYBE get a puppy.

I’m still debating the last one, puppies are hard, and they’re even harder when you have an evil bitch dog who hates everything…

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I do have a reading list though, so in case you’re interested, here they are, in no particular order:

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I’m pretty sure I can get through them all this summer, the only issue is that I also have rediscovered the Harry Potter books and am currently on Book 4, so I need to hurry up and finish so I can get to my real reading list. I haven’t read anything for pleasure in almost a year, and it’s been killing me. I also think it’s affected my comprehension and writing skills, but I don’t want to get into that, because it will most likely make me sad.

What I’m really excited for though, is canning! A few months ago I made some apple butter and canned it, and it was delicious! So I picked up some more canning tools (I totally improvised the first time) and this week I’ll be making my own strawberry preserves (YUM!), and when my mother visits in June, she’s going to teach me how to make homemade tomato sauce – like, from actual tomatoes – and I’ll teach her how to can it when we’re done! (She says she doesn’t need any, but I’m going to send some back with her anyways, if only for the sentimental factor).

My mother has decided that she will venture out here to San Diego from Maine once a year to see her baby girl, and I’m totally not complaining. I’m sick of traveling! I traveled enough in the Navy, and honestly, it just stresses me the hell out, especially now with the dogs. My love and I have decided that its just not worth it, and are boycotting trips that require dog-sitting. So it’s actually a relief to host my mother for a week every summer. Plus, she likes to cook for us and take us out to eat, so that’s awesome. This year she has made specific requests for where/what she wants to eat. She wants to go out for teppanyaki, Mexican, and Thai; we’re going to do the sauce one day; and she wants to do a run-through of her ideas for the rehearsal dinner.

We decided not too long ago that it would be more of my fiancé’s style to do a really casual rehearsal dinner, and since we need to make sure the dogs aren’t left in their crates for hours and hours, we thought it would be cool if everyone came back to our house and had a little pre-wedding party with some of Dave’s favorite foods, since he’s such a huge fan of my mother’s cooking. We also stole his brother’s thunder: he’ll be turning 30 the day we get married, so we thought we’d have a cake and do a little something for him the night before.

So my mom wants to try out some stuff on her future son-in-law and see what he wants her to make, though if truth be told, I’m pretty sure she could make anything and he’d eat it. I can’t get him to eat soup, but he had two bowls of my mom’s French onion at Christmas! I’m really not jealous, I think it’s awesome, it’s wonderful that they get along so well, it makes me really happy 🙂

There are a couple of problems with this visit though. Mother wants to go to the beach, and I have some issues with that; one, I’m totally out of shape (see #3, above); two, I’m totally pale (like, freakishly pale, my classmates in OPS used to make fun of me because my skin is practically see-through); and three, I have this skin thing on my legs that makes them itch, and so I scratch the hell out of them while I’m sleeping, and now my legs are covered in scars and scratches 😦 I would love to go to the beach, but I really just have no business being there, people would laugh and stare. I guess I’ll send my boy with her to keep her company, while I stay home, because there’s just no way in hell. The other problem is that I really wanted to be able to try on wedding dresses with her, but she wouldn’t be able to get back out here until three months before the wedding, so we have to go during this visit. I don’t even think I could try on sample sizes right now, so I have no idea how this is going to go. I just hope I don’t cry. Maybe I can get my bridesmaids to come, they are both amazing girls who I know wouldn’t let me feel ugly or fat, which is one if the reasons I asked them to stand with me on my wedding day. Still, I’m not looking forward to it like I should be…

So in order to prepare as much as possible for this, I’ve started physical therapy to get my back and leg strength up, and I’ve started a walking program to help me start to drop the weight (I want to lose 60 pounds and go down three to four sizes, as well as run a 5k, those are my goals). I’m hoping that I might be able to lose at least 15-20 pounds before she gets here, but we’ll see. I’m also implementing an arm routine, mostly so I look toned in my dress, but also because I dreamed of this tattoo that I simply must get, if you’re interested, read about it here.

I also plan on not letting my garden die this year, but I’ve got a pretty black thumb (except when it comes to basil and impatiens), so we’ll see if they survive.

What about you? Any plans for the summer? I know not everyone can take the summer off, but there’s got to be something fun on everyone’s calendar!

tattoos in a dream…

So, I’ve been planning and tweaking my next tattoo for a while. I’ve wanted to do a half sleeve on my left arm, but as it’s such a prominent area, and such a big commitment, I wanted to make sure it would be perfect.

Imagine my surprise when I had a dream of the perfect tattoo while I was taking a nap this past week.

I dreamt of a brightly colored koi, but instead of swimming up, the way they’re traditionally done, the head was down. I immediately understood why.

The image of the koi swimming upstream is a reference to an old Chinese legend about a school of koi swimming up the Yellow River and trying to jump over a waterfall. The fish that finally makes it is transformed into a dragon, and lives in joy the rest of his days. It’s a symbolic representation of overcoming adversity, the koi fight and fight and fight, and are eventually rewarded by the gods.

I am all about working hard, but fighting is entirely too ingrained in my personality. “Piss and vinegar” is the technical term, I believe.

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The reason my koi will be swimming downstream, is because I am sick of fighting. I’m sick of making life harder for myself, and an old friend of mine told me something once that I’ll likely never forget: “be like water.” For some reason, it resonated with me more than “go with the flow” ever did. It’s more elegant, and yet even simpler. I’ve wanted a water tattoo for a while. I love the water, I feel most at home in the water, I plan on having my children in water, and I want to be more like water.

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“As the river cuts it’s path,
Though the river’s proud and strong,
He will choose the smoothest course,
That’s why rivers live so long.”

So I want my koi to be going with the flow. I don’t think it’s a bad thing not to always be fighting, you know? But the really cool thing I remember about the dream was the color in the fish. The scales were kind of a gradient, and around the outside of each individual scale, the color was a deep cerulean, like the blue of the open ocean on the clearest day (only sailors know the color, and I think that’s important for the tattoo’s purpose), but the inside was a lush green, so that from a distance, the koi would be a shimmering turquoise. I also think it’s interesting that I dreamed of these colors, because they are my fiancé’s favorites, and I love that.

I was also considering adding a few cherry blossoms or lotuses, floating down the river, which I really only want to be a suggestion, in the lightest blue, like the clearest spring-fed stream I drank from on top of Mount Katahdin years ago.

I can’t wait to get this tattoo, I hope I’m able to afford it, but for now, my primary concern is toning my arms, I’ve found that tattoos hurt less when they’re on muscle, as opposed to fat or bone. That, and I want it to look good! No flab on my fishy!

pescatarianism: what the hell am i doing??

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So, I’ve been following a pescatarian diet since my Frankenfoods post back in February, and I have to say, while my conscience is nice and clear, it sucks!

It doesn’t suck all the time, but sometimes it is reallyfrustrating! I was just looking around on Yelp for a decent Chinese food restaurant with a hibachi pu pu platter when I realized: I can’t eat anything in one except the shrimp rings. :/

I really do miss eating meat, and right now, all I can think about is pan-fried dumplings, orange chicken, and even those teriyaki beef skewers, and I quit eating beef way before I dropped everything else!

It’s frustrating! My mother is cooking for our rehearsal dinner next summer, and since my fiancé is from Texas, she was going to do a bunch of barbecue stuff, but I’d only be able to eat the sides, like cole slaw and potato salad :/ not a ton of fun for me… Granted, this whole thing is supposed to be about him, not me; she originally offered to host it – i.e. pay – because we’re paying for our own wedding, but since the rehearsal dinner is typically hosted by the groom’s family, she wanted to make it all about him. After we stayed at my parents’ house for Christmas last year though, he fell in love with her cooking, so she offered to cook for him. I had the suggestion to do like a food showdown: Texas vs. Maine, and have things like baby back ribs, barbecue baked beans, and potato salad representing Texas, and lobster rolls, clams casino, and shrimp cocktail on the Maine side, but I worry that it might be too much work for my mother, and that it will take away from the party being about Dave. Maybe I should just suck it up and eat the damn sides, I’m going to be too excited for the wedding to really care anyways… Oh yeah, and add in the fact that there will be 16 people in our little house, meaning that we have to do everything tapas/finger food style… This is going to be a nightmare, but we wanted to host it at our house because a) we would be sure the food would be delicious, and b) we wouldn’t have to worry about coming home early to take care of the dogs, because we would already be there!

Anyways, back to the issue of being a vegetarian that eats seafood: that’s essentially what a pescatarian is, and while it’s a hell of a lot easier than being a vegetarian, it’s still really hard. I had to go to the ER last week for hives, and I had two hours to sit around until the pharmacy opened, so I left and hit up McDonald’s for some yummy breakfast. An egg McMuffin without sausage is a sin against nature, and I wanted to cry as I ate it. 😦

It hasn’t been completely bad though. I like to think that maybe I’m eating a little healthier, (yeah right, I’m pretty sure I’ve replaced all of the animal protein with goddamn carbs…) I discovered a vegan burger that I really like, (grill them with some steak seasoning and they’re the bomb!) we go out for sushi a lot, (the main reason I decided I couldn’t go full vegetarian) and I do feel better knowing that I’m taking a little bit of responsibility for my diet, and it’s ethics. I also made chili this week with TVP (textured vegetable protein) grounds, and the boy didn’t even realize it wasn’t meat! He asked to try some from my bowl, and when I looked confused and asked him why, he looked at his bowl and said “wait, this… is this not turkey??” Too funny!

But I’m still trying to figure this all out, and it isn’t easy, mainly because I still feel bad for eating fish, the dairy industry supports the veal industry, and as I can no longer afford to spend over $5 a carton on organic, free-range, local eggs, I’m supporting the industrial food chain even more. I realize the “simple” solution is to go full vegan, but I’m not ready for that. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that. Yes, I’m a hypocrite, yes, I feel guilty, but being a vegan means no cheese, and no bread, and fuck you, that’s not happening. I realize this makes me an asshole, you don’t have to tell me, k?

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Oh well, at least I’m trying, and at least I can have wine. It’s part of our food pyramid, is wine a part of your food pyramid? I didn’t think so…

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why can’t i get motivated??

This sucks.

I’ve got to try on dresses in less than two months, and I cannot seem to be able to eat healthy, even as a pescatarian! I keep wanting bread, bread is like a drug to me, it’s like a warm blanket that I can snuggle into. How the hell do I get rid of this emotional attachment to food??

and don’t get me started on exercise…

My goal was 20 minutes, three times a week on the stationary bike, (which I paid over $250 for, btw…) and I couldn’t stick to it! I just couldn’t get up the motivation to even put on PT gear :/ so then I was like “well, what if I just walked around the neighborhood for a while?” Great, in theory, plenty of hills to switch it up, the weather’s been good, but lets face it, I live in the ghetto. Everyone seems to be on drugs or selling them, and every other house has a frustrated pit bull that lunges at the fence when I walk by. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not the dogs’ fault, but it’s the breed of choice out here and when you treat any dog like a lawn ornament, they’re going to get aggressive.

So I don’t really feel safe walking around my neighborhood, and that’s a shitty feeling, but it’s no excuse not to do something. There’s a YMCA a couple of miles away, but it is also kind of ghetto-looking, and I’m in no shape to be in public in a swimsuit. Which reminds me…

My mum wants to go to the damn beach while she’s here! 8[ 1. I’m way too out of shape for that, 2. I’m way too pale for that, and 3. I still have this stupid itchy-leg-thing going on, so my legs are all scabby and gross. 😥

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to get my ass in gear. When I joined the Navy, I was overweight, but I lost it quick in bootcamp, and after I was in shape, it was easy to go out and play sports, go swimming, lift at the gym, because I wasn’t embarrassed. I wasn’t working out because I had to get in shape, I was working out because I was in shape and it felt good to use my body. Now I’m just angry that I let myself get this way again, and I don’t have the patience to do this. I wish I was in good enough physical shape to go through bootcamp again, but my back and knees are just atrocious. Basically, any workout that’s easy on my back hurts my knees and vice-versa. Except swimming, but we’ve already covered that…

So what do I do? How do I get motivated? I certainly want to lose the weight, but I feel more of a hopeless despair than any type of constructive emotion. I just want to hide from it. How am I supposed to get around that? Logically, I know I need to just work at it, a little bit every day, and eventually I’ll see results. But I don’t have the patience for that! I don’t do long-term, that’s why I dropped out of college and joined the Navy in the first place, I felt like my goal was too far away. Don’t ask me how I’ve been able to do school this time around, because I’ve no idea, maybe it’s because my classes are only eight weeks long, so by the time I’m starting to get bored, it’s over and I’m taking something new. It’s like college for people with ADD…

I guess I’ll just keep trying, stick to my guns, I’ve been thinking about taping some pictures of myself when I was thin on the fridge, so I’ll see them when I go to get a snack and it’ll make me think twice about whether or not I REALLY need to eat. *sigh* this sucks…