in the battle of heads and hearts, who wins?

So, tonight I’m having my usual battle with insomnia, and I decided to watch The Vow. I have no idea why, but Paige’s dichotomy between her life with her family and her life with Leo made me realize my own struggle with two different “me’s”.

There’s the “logical” me, she wants me to finish school summa cum laude, and get a good, stable job in government because that’s the “smart” thing to do. This side of me wants me to like wine more, wear classic, conservative clothing, and go to nice dinners that require reservations months in advance. This “me” wants to be society’s version of “successful,” whether or not I’m actually “happy.”

Then there’s the creative, impulsive, artistic side of me. This “me” wants to dye my hair a million different colors, join a roller derby team, pursue art more, and go to school for theatre and music, like I was supposed to after I graduated high school.

How am I supposed to choose?

Do I even have to choose? Is there any way I can satisfy my head and my heart equally? I want so much to follow my crazy dreams and ideas, to be a free spirit and do whatever I want all the time, but as soon as I think that, my brain jumps in, mentally bitch-slaps me, and tells me that the real world doesn’t work that way, and that I’d better get my shit together and quit chasing pipe-dreams.

What do I do? I’m not brave enough to ignore my head and follow my heart, and I’m not strong enough to tell my heart to shut it. Am I doomed to be forever pulled in opposing directions? Like a piece of antimatter suspended between two magnets, quivering with energy, ready to explode at any moment.

I don’t know.


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