you know your life sucks when…

My birthday is on Monday.

I wasn’t going to make a big deal of it, but one of my friends convinced me that I was important enough to have a celebration this weekend. She even begged me to do it this weekend because she has an engagement next weekend and didn’t want to miss it.

So I gave in, I thought, “if I make it fun for everyone, even if they don’t give a shit about me, they’ll still come for the fun stuff.”

I was wrong.

I made a reservation at the Hard Rock Cafe in the Gaslamp District, which I still need to cancel, and I told everyone about the Haunted Hotel just down the street, and how you can get discounted tickets through MWR or by buying Crush at Ralph’s. My friend ordered a face cake for me, with buttercream and raspberry filling, my favorite. My boyfriend bought me a beautiful sweater from Nordstrom, it was almost $100. I was going to drink and dance and not care that I was a fat loser, just for one day. I invited 15 people to come.

Four people RSVP’d.

Then one cancelled because the bank messed up her paycheck. I really didn’t think this could possibly be an issue, because my birthday is the first of the month. And it’s not the first of just any month, it’s the first of the new fiscal year. This is when bonuses go out.

Oh, I almost forgot, I was hoping and praying and wishing that a rather important piece of jewelry would be ready, because I was hoping to get engaged tonight, but it’s not, because the jeweler dropped the ball, too.

So, I get it, okay? I guess I really am the fat loser with no friends. I guess I really shouldn’t bother getting my hopes up that maybe, just once a year, the people that are in my life might want to have dinner with me and get the Halloween season kicked off. I guess I don’t get any of that.

This is why I don’t put myself out there, I’m so sick and tired of the rest of the world’s ability to make me feel like shit.

Happy Birthday to me…

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in the battle of heads and hearts, who wins?

So, tonight I’m having my usual battle with insomnia, and I decided to watch The Vow. I have no idea why, but Paige’s dichotomy between her life with her family and her life with Leo made me realize my own struggle with two different “me’s”.

There’s the “logical” me, she wants me to finish school summa cum laude, and get a good, stable job in government because that’s the “smart” thing to do. This side of me wants me to like wine more, wear classic, conservative clothing, and go to nice dinners that require reservations months in advance. This “me” wants to be society’s version of “successful,” whether or not I’m actually “happy.”

Then there’s the creative, impulsive, artistic side of me. This “me” wants to dye my hair a million different colors, join a roller derby team, pursue art more, and go to school for theatre and music, like I was supposed to after I graduated high school.

How am I supposed to choose?

Do I even have to choose? Is there any way I can satisfy my head and my heart equally? I want so much to follow my crazy dreams and ideas, to be a free spirit and do whatever I want all the time, but as soon as I think that, my brain jumps in, mentally bitch-slaps me, and tells me that the real world doesn’t work that way, and that I’d better get my shit together and quit chasing pipe-dreams.

What do I do? I’m not brave enough to ignore my head and follow my heart, and I’m not strong enough to tell my heart to shut it. Am I doomed to be forever pulled in opposing directions? Like a piece of antimatter suspended between two magnets, quivering with energy, ready to explode at any moment.

I don’t know.

oh my god, i think i’m a hipster…

I have no idea how this could have happened. I have no idea how I even came to this realization, all I know is that I started reading this WikiHow article on hipsters and it all seemed very familiar…

The Clothes
Um, yeah. So I’ve been struggling to find a clothing style that fits my personality, but the problem is that my personality seems to change on a daily (let’s be honest here – hourly…) basis so I can never nail anything down. When I was in high school, I tried to do the goth thing, but I’m way too upbeat and happy for that. The first time I went to college (2004-ish), I was trying out preppy, but that just didn’t work either, because I don’t like to spend that much time on my hair. More recently, I’ve attempted punk (a spin-off of my high school days) but that just made me feel like an idiot because I was freaking 25, entirely too old to be doing that. I also tried the rockabilly/pin up thing, but, again, didn’t have enough patience with my hair, and I’m just not thin enough for that (which says something because pin ups aren’t exactly svelte…) So I basically just accepted that I’d always have a mish-mash of clothing lying around, dependent on my mood.

Epiphany #1: If I wear all that stuff together, that’s pretty much the basis of hipster style. Strike one.

Epiphany #2: I love scarves. Boom. Strike two.

The Hair
As soon as I realized that hipsters don’t brush, wash, style, or give a damn about their hair every single day, I was pretty much sold.

Epiphany #3: I don’t have to spend hours at the bathroom mirror clipping things into or spraying things onto my hair while using curling/flat irons in an attempt to change its natural texture or style. Strike three, and I’m out.

Oh! I remember why I got on this track! I wanted coffee, but I wanted to find a coffee house I could hang out in, meet people, study, blog, whatever. So I was looking up Lestat’s (which is stupid, because a former roommate of mine goes there all the time and plays horrible music, and I don’t even know why I would ever want to risk running into him or anyone he might associate with, because they are most likely horribly stupid people) and The Living Room (this one makes way more sense, I’d been to the one in Point Loma once or twice, and, come on, just look at the logo:

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That’s pretty awesome 🙂 )

So as I was perusing Yelp (my absolute favorite website in the world, except for maybe Facebook, however Yelp is way more reliable…) I was reading all these reviews that said stuff like “watch out for hipsters” and “hipster hideaway” and I thought to myself “ew, hipsters, aren’t they bad and stuff and junk?” and then I thought that before taking someone else’s opinion and adopting it as my own, maybe I should just do a little research (omg, strike four, because that’s totally hipster, too…)

So, as usual, the Internet delivered in the form of the above WikiHow link (look, I’ll even be nice and link it again) and as I was reading, all I could think was “yup, yeah, yes, check, uh huh, that’s me alright, yuppers…” Especially with regard to “hippies whose focus was more on community than individuals.” As much as I love the idea of being a free-spirited hippie, I was never sold on the communal ideals, and I am very concerned with maintaining my individuality; I kind of have a feeling that as much of a hippie as my mother claimed she was, (and I’m sure she was!) she probably would have preferred this view as well. I also have a rather odd penchant for doing/wearing/saying/reading things before they become “cool” (or, as hipsters apparently put it, “mainstream”), though I do think the way hipsters feel the need to “move on” once something has been “discovered” is rather narcissistic, and I hate people like that.

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I also love mustaches:

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So, I guess I should just get totally nerdy glasses, go with the flow on my hair, and just buy clothes I like instead of whatever fits into someone else’s idea of a “style” or what’s in fashion. I’m doing my own thing, dammit!